What’s courage? What is fear?

During my secondary school days, my parents rented a floor of a three-storey house in Bishop Street, Penang. At that time, I had already taken up weight-lifting to strengthen my weak body. I can still remember the great feeling of my strength developing each day as I conscientiously followed a regime of exercise and nutrition to develop strength as fast as I could, enjoying each moment of pain as the muscles in my body grew bigger, firmer and tougher.

It was also in Bishop Street that I had my moment of truth. In those days, there were street gangs and to be safe you have to acknowledge them as your big brothers. I belonged to no such gangs and such people like me were at the mercy of those people. With their numbers, the individual was no match for them. Move away or be mowed down. That was the law of the concrete jungle. Obey that law or your safety is at risk.

However, one evening, with two years of strength training and a solid body to prove it, I returned home from the gym to find my path blocked by one such 'big brother'. Fortunately, he was alone. Young and egoistic, seeing the guy as just my size then, I continued my way instead of moving to the other side of the road like I had done whenever they had a group of them. He faced me as I walked straight towards him. I could have just walked pass him without either of us having to move to one side. However, as I got nearer, he sifted his position to place himself directly into my path. My stupid ego refused to safeguard myself by moving to one side to avoid him. I plowed on. Then, unbelievable as it was, he moved aside for me. Elated, I went on to pass him without looking back, for I was also fearful of the consequences should he decide to call upon his group to teach me a lesson which did happen in another incident at Great World Park, Penang; the incident in which I have written about how a friend and I went through back lanes and places to evade their search. (I have written that in an earlier post on the ego.)

Yes, my heart did beat faster and there was that fear in my heart. But that moment of truth taught me that such people were only brave when they are backed by others. They are courageous because of the numbers. It also taught me that fear could always be there in us when we understand the danger and risk we encounter even when we gather sufficient nerve to face it.

It was a moment of truth that has taught me that courage comes to those who are confident of winning. The fear will be there if we understand that we are sure the chances of losing is greater or when we have no chance at all of winning. And fear of losing something valuable to us may give us the courage to try. Or the fear of hurting someone we love may stop us from carrying on or trying further. Yes, the courage to sacrifice for a loved one can be due to the fear of hurting that somebody. Such are the moments of truth and hurt that I have faced.