Why do families treat boys and girls different?

This morning I was on a trip to Alor Star with a lady friend when she told me that children, even at a very young age, could feel envious of their siblings who are better treated than them.

She told me she remembered vividly one occasion at the dinner table, when she reached out fro a drumstick, she was told that the two drumsticks were for her two brothers. At that time, although not a sound came from her lips, her heart felt the hurt of being deprived of something which she ought to have equal chance to enjoy. Was she not a child of her mother and father? Was she not as beloved as the boys? Was not her welfare just as important to them? However, she was not to question why. She was expected to sit quietly, eat, and not to cry. Why must the girls be treated different from the boys? Why were the boys given preferential treatment?

The question here is how can parents ever behave thus towards their own flesh and blood. Yet, eventually, in some families, it is the girls who look after the parents as they grow older. Sometimes, there is wrong thinking drilled into the minds by our early ancestors, thinking that could be selfish. When it comes to the Chinese, it must be a male who leads the mourners at the funeral of the parents. So, those families without males pray hard to get boys, so that such a predicament would not befall them.

That is the reason some families have so many children, delivering babies, each time hoping the latest baby would be a male. In the end, the may still end with a dozen girls. As for me, for the first ten years, it was a long honeymoon without any need for birth control and then when my first child came, one of the relatives asked, "What if it is a girl?"
"So what? Is not my wife a girl? Is she not as lovable and capable as any of the boys in her family?" I asked her.
"Every family must have a boy, mah. If not, how is the 'Ong' surname going to be continued?" she persisted.
"What? Do you know how many 'Ongs' there are in this world?" And with that I silenced her.

Of course, the problem did not arise as my children are all boys. If they were girls, i would have loved them just as much for they are my children, and put into my care by God.

Still, when I think about it, how can humans have such warped thoughts, not being able to differentiate between right and wrong. No wonder our world is full of problems created by humans ourselves. Even today, the minds of humans are still clouded when it comes to right and wrong in all spheres of life.

An active grandchild is the best present to a grandma.

At my age there are lots of grandmas I come across. Most of them are too plump, too sedentary, always in a lazy chair in front of the television.

However, there is one grandma I know of who just does not have the pleasure of relaxing too much in front of the entertainment box. This grandma happens to be one of those lucky people who have a young, very energetic grandchild. From the minute he is awake until his sleep late at night, there is no rest for the adults in the house except when relief comes from the little guy's nap which they certainly look forward to each day.

Well, nowadays, more often than not, the parents have to be away from the home to be at work somewhere else. So, who is the fortunate one to be given the responsibility of looking after the little guy? It's none other than the old grandma. Yes, the grandma if not the grandpa. And being a widowed grandma, she is the only one saddled with the child.

But that does not mean that you should pity her. Maybe you would but I would not as from my point of view it is a blessing in disguise. Without grandpa to pamper, grandma finds life quite boring, each day cooking a little and then sitting in front of the television to while the time away. That would mean less muscles being worked, muscles soften and turn to fat, resulting in a weak body, the heavy mass of flesh assisted by gravity to pressure down on a good number of joints, jamming them together, and the backbone gradually curve into a hunch with all kind of possible pains and problems.

Now, with a child to look after, to chase after to ensure he does not end up in dangerous places or positions which could bring a fall; to carry off the child from naughty acts in places that are harmful; and just to attend to his/her needs would be enough to give grandma sufficient exercise to burn up excess calories, increase metabolism and build or tone up some muscles, in the process improving the immunity of the body. Not only that, at the end of the day, unlike some old folks who suffer from insomnia, she would have a very deep, much needed sleep. Grandma must thank God for sending her that present, a grandchild.

And the most wonderful part of it all is her happiness. She is so much happier than those aimless days before the coming of this grandchild. Each day there is a growing grandchild she has the responsibility for, putting meaning into her life and a quiet pride that she could still manage to be useful.

There is always a rainbow somewhere. Look for it and it can be found.

Do we have the right person for the job?

The other evening I visited a friend in Bandar Perdana, Sungai Petani. She is a teacher and she told me of the tension she has to face each day because of the principal of her school. As a retired teacher, I was all interest as I wanted to be aware of what is happening in our schools these days.

She told me of a self proclaimed religious man who make life for all those teachers who do not know how to polish his apples. I was in this teacher’s house and I saw the piles of exercise books she took home to have them marked. She obviously had her time full completing her job as a English Language teacher. Yet, the principal was never satisfied all because she was never a ‘yes’-man, or woman if you prefer. The principle wanted her school teachers to produce the best results in public examinations and he told this teacher she was doing enough. The question here is ‘What is enough?’. Frustrated at being not appreciated for the work she had put in, she told him, “I’m sorry, sir but I have done the very best I can.” For that, he was not happy with her and since then had looked for fault with her. Being a conscientious lady she felt the tension as she found that every effort she put in was not enough for that principal.

Yet, that principal was not exactly the model for the teachers to follow. Though he was supposed to enter particular classes for a certain subject, he did not do so. In fact he was brash enough to sat to his teachers, “What can anyone do to him for not going to teach? Anybody who wants to can go and report me. Who dares?” Such a poor model for his teachers. Yet, with the authority he holds, he demands so much from the teachers that whatever they do is never sufficient. So, the teachers only hope for a transfer out of the school to another place where the principal is more understanding and appreciative. This teacher is one of those who pray for a transfer as soon as possible as they are unable to stand the principal’s demands any longer. In fact she was at one point even considering suicide. She was so depressed that I had to explain to her that suicide is never the out of any problem. We must value the only life that God has given us and not allow anyone to forgo this gift from God. So, I told her that since the man is unreasonable, we need not have to bother about him. We do our work and as long as we have performed conscientiously, god will approve and that is more important than any approval from any human. Furthermore, if it is fear of any kind of action taken against us, as long as we can show from the loads of effort we have put in, nobody, no matter how powerful can take action of us. So, carry on working for the students, self and God and put aside the unworthy stress put on by others. With that I hoped that her mind will be clearer as to what counts and what is unimportant in our lives.

I understand her position well as my late wife was under such a headmistress once. I knew what happened and how the pressure was so great that it lead to depression and eventually sickness and her death. The unfortunate thing is that such principals and headmistresses are good at cultivating strong relationships with the top authority which of course chose these people to be the heads of the schools. Of course, not every head is chosen because of whom they know. But even the small number is sufficient to create problems for an average of at least twenty teachers per school. Imagine that if ten such heads are chosen in this manner, two hundred teachers would have to suffer unnecessarily.

Well, here again we see the craze for power is the problem. People who crave for power would do almost anything to move into a position of power and being the head of a department, school or organisation is one way of achieving that. With that as the motivating factor they would go the extra mile and befriend someone up the ladder of authority. When appointed not because of management ability but as a crony, they can wield their authority on others while enjoying the position they hold without need for performance for they knew whatever complains made against them would only find their way into the dustbin, chucked there by their crony. Because the one complained against is a crony, no action can be expected.

Now, if a crony is able to perform well, by being firm, just and appreciative in the management of the body he/she has been appointed to, well and good but if the crony is incapable of being a good professional manager, then the department he/she is charge of suffers. More so if it is a school as when teachers are unhappy and depressed, students will receive some of the side-effects. So many people will have to suffer because of the mistake of one person in authority. Therefore it is important to have really professional people hold the very top posts so that choices made on personnel and jobs are professional and for the benefit of everyone.

Children need parents' attention.

The monitor of a class was sent to request my help as a young form three student refused to return to the class when he was found sniffing glue behind one school block. That was 1988 when I was the discipline-teacher of Sekolah Menengah Bakar Arang, the then most notorious school in Sungai Petani for gangsterism. Established just three years ago, there were lots of problems and being discipline-teacher kept me on my toes throughout the day as such a post brings problems from school as well as outside school hours.

One of the problems I encountered were children from families who were too busy with work or family tiffs, separation and divorce.

Returning to the child with his sniffing of glue, I had to approach the child slowly, talking to him from a distance in as quiet and calm a voice as I could muster. I knew I had to portray my concern for him to gain his confidence. There was no reprimand to be given, no demand for him to explain himself or return to class. I just sat down some distance from him, watched him and asked if he was alright. When he did not reply I told him I just wondered how I could help him. Then, I innocently asked him what it was he was holding in his hand. He showed me the small tin of glue. I slid a little closer, took a look at it and asked him what he was doing with it. He did not respond with any any words but merely looked at me as I went on to tell him that if there was any problem I was there to help him. I had to be patient and it took some time before he allowed me to take the tin of glue from him, each time moving just a little bit closer. Then with one hand over his shoulder, I told him I understood how he felt, although I did not as I have never sniffed glue or been high before. Nevertheless, I sat there for a little while longer before I got him to return to his class where i told the form teacher to let him rest at his place.

The next day I had a talk with his parents and told him the problem their child was facing, warning them that that child needed love and understanding more than any accusation or scolding. I told them that if they care for that child they have to give him more attention, know his activities and his friends.

Yes, children can be easily lead astray if there is a lack of attention on the part of the two most important people in their lives, the parents. In fact, as a disciplinarian in that school I learned a lot from those unfortunate children. Most of them went astray to find alternative attention in one form or another. I believe a study into our heroes and villains will lead to one conclusion; they perform all those deeds again and again because of the attention they beget. Even the ordinary man on the street perform whatever they do each day to get the necessary attention from their peers, their colleagues and their friends or whoever they come across.

And attention is least found in problem families where both parents no longer care for the welfare of their homes, both spending less and less time in the home with more and more time away somewhere else. In bigger families, the reduction in attention could be overcome with attention from other loving members of the family but if those other members do not care, hope for proper attention for those children is lost and they have to search for other sources of attention. Be the external sources of attention good or bad is a matter of luck. If the children are lucky they find some sources of attention beneficial, if not it can lead to drugs, theft and all kinds of possible mischief.

Therefore, a happy, loving family is the best place to nourish a growing child. Where there is love, there will always be care and when that is present there must be happiness and a beautiful path towards success in life.

Betray not the trust of your woman.

Let no man who has betrayed the trust of his woman sleep peacefully in her bed. What is a marriage but a union based on trust to help each other towards the path of bliss in any form imaginable. Therefore those who decide to marry must remember to honour that trust placed upon them. With that the home and certainly the master-bedroom is the best refuge from anything harmful to both the partners in marriage. However, when one betray the trust, no longer should one expect the master-bedroom to be the safest for a woman scorned is the worse enemy a man can ever find.

There was this Indian woman who suspected her husband of having affairs outside the home. Whether what is suspect can be true or not is immaterial for once the seed of suspicion is sown, no one can turn back the tide of hatred that swells in the heart of the one betrayed, be that with substance or otherwise.

Therefore it is essential in marriage for transparency to be in all deeds and times. With that there can be no suspicion and the devil cannot perform any divisive moves to the marriage.

Well, this woman must have thoroughly believed her suspicions and must have grounds for doing so, for she had lodged a police report against the husband for his infidelity. However, knowing that the police would be too slow in their actions, she decided to take matters in her own hands and teach him a most memorable lesson as making that police report was not sufficient to appease her own besieged mind. Of course, she knew she could never overcome her husband as she was admittedly weaker. Hah! But there are ways to weaken him as he has a weakness for drinking. So that night she spiked his drinks and sent him into a drunken stupor. In that drunken state he was defenceless as she went on to take revenge on him. Therefore, my dear friend, if you do drink make sure that your spouse loves and cares for you dearly, otherwise you drink at your own risk as this story will reveal.

That night, as the husband lay numbed and drugged by drink, she sharpened her kitchen knife and with one clean swipe severed his limp penis. Unfortunately, we are not told what happened to that penis after the incident. Was it sewn back and restored to its former state by a surgeon? Did she minced up the sausage look-alike? Was it given to the dog or a cat? Gruesome indeed when we think of the possibilities. Whatever it is, it is certainly safer to be faithful than to lose that pleasure-tool. Furthermore, how is the guy going to urinate after that? So, the next time when a friend gets itchy and you wish to get him 'to walk the line' for the sake of his family, tell him this story. Maybe not then but in later years, he will thank you for it. After all, it is not just the fear of losing a penis but also the danger of being presented with all kinds of venereal diseases.

And this is not the only true story. If you read the news daily, you know there are more cases of this popping up every now and then. Women are learning fast some of the ways to keep their men in line. Although it is somewhat cruel but then it does help to keep things right so that divorces do not happen as divorces bring lots of problems to many, the poor innocent children
and the person you once loved and most probably still do. It is time couples learn to be matured, to be fair to each other, to think of each others welfare and the consequences that ought not to come, especially to our children; consequences which can traumatise them for the rest of their lives. (I have personally seen the depression that can come to such children. God, is it fair?)

Be wise in displaying your jewels.

If you have a secret that you do not wish to have others get curious about enough to find out more about it, then the least you can do is to make yourself as inconspicuous as possible.

That understanding, unfortunately for her, was not available to her and that was to cost her dearly. It was because of her being too conspicuous that police discovered her secret hiding place for drugs.

According to a report from Harian Metro, a 29 year-old widow has been getting lots of attention from the opposite sex due to her being well- endowed with two very enticing voluptuous breasts. Everything would have been fine, each having his/her own delight; she with the desirable attention and the spectators with the attractive sight or should I say sights, if those conspicuous breasts had not attracted the attention of the police as well and the police had not been just as infallible as any human to give them a more than cursory examination, enough to make the discovery of one breast that little bit larger than the other and are sufficiently curious to want to know what lies beneath, or is it within, to have her exposed to reveal that she had been hiding drugs in her bra. Ha! Drugs! Therein lay the secret of the two delectable breasts.

So, her vanity attracted the wrong attention, leading the curious police to suspect something. To unveil the attraction, they raided her house but found no incriminating evidence but so they had no alternative but to have a closer look at those tantalizing breasts and discover the unlikely drugs worth RM100 hidden in a slit of her bra.

Ladies and inventors, at this point I have a suggestion for all of you: use other non-drug substance within the bra to help those ladies who wish to appear better endowed than the others. (However, I do not mean that ladies with bigger breasts are any more attractive than those with small beautiful equally attractive breasts. You know, one lady who attracts me a lot does not have Dolly Parton sized breasts. Well, it takes all shapes and sizes to make a beautiful world.)

Okay, let us go back to the subject of being conspicuous and inconspicuous. People who are guilty are sometimes more conspicuous because of their guilty conscience. There are those who flourish in the lime-light of attention and so may use outlandish attire or fashion as well as behaviour to become more conspicuous. However, the shy and timid would prefer to stay inconspicuous with their silence and distancing of themselves from any possible attention. There is no right or wrong to either types as it takes all types to make the world a wonderful place.

Pass along ‘the natural order of things’: a little love and humanity.

Here is one heart-warming story which a friend sent me through the email. Tears welled in my eyes as I read the story. The message it carries is great and I just must share this with all of you. I know not who the author is but if anyone does please tell us so that I could tell him/her of my appreciation of this beautiful piece of work that touched my heart and brought wealth to my soul. It simply is too lovely not to be read. Thank God there are people who can write such a wonderful piece. Well, enjoy it.

Two Choices
What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.
The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'
Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart.. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
Run to first!'
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.

May your day, be a Shay Day.

Mental health: Our child's body is only as strong as its weakest part.

Our body can only be really strong when we take care of our food, exercise, rest, emotional and physical needs.

Most of us know the importance of exercise, balanced meals and rest. Yet, there are two needs that every human needs to remain happy and focused in life.

One of them is the emotional need. When the emotional need is not fulfilled the brain may go haywire. With a disturbed mind, all interest in life and the surroundings stops. Food, exercise and rest become unimportant. When that happens, health is bound to weaken. So the body can weaken due to a disturbed mind.

Here is a true story in which no names will be used so as to protect a child. There was a thirteen year old who was cared for by another relative since her parents divorced five years ago. When the parents divorced, none of them took the responsibility of caring for her. They just disappeared from the child, on different paths to different destinations. The child slowly and gradually felt her loss. Unlike other children, she had no one to call mummy or daddy. Unlike other children, she did not have someone to run to when she felt lost in her big, big, lonely world. Unlike other children there was no one who would whole-hearted hug or love her. In her mind, she was all alone. Then, one day, her aunt suddenly found her talking to herself, telling herself things.

The aunt realized something was very wrong and fortunately, she felt responsible enough to take her to a doctor. The little girl underwent psychiatric treatment. One of the teachers told me about her, hoping that I could find help for her through The Art of Living. I talked to her to find out her problem. With the aunt’s permission, I took her to satsang and an Art of Living teacher. We taught her the bhastrika, a breathing exercise, as well as some knowledge. It got her well again in two months. She became well enough to mix around with other children.She was no longer talking to herself. Thank God for that!

So, you see, exercise, food and rest may be sufficient but if there is no emotional support, the brain may break down.

And once the brain breaks down, everything else will eventually become worse. So, as parents, we ought to look into a child's mental health too.