Mastering depression.

The first time I saw depression, it was mirrored on the face of a person I knew. The face was sad, without confidence, the eyes looking away from the person who was talking to her. Most times, it was a monologue, a one way communication. Sometimes, the person distanced herself away from the people around, went around on her lonesome. Every now and then, she talked to herself, cried or laughed to herself.

Depression is brought on by the inability to handle a certain situation, finds no solution to the problem and eventually believes no one can help to solve it. Alone with the problem causes the mind to think there is no way out, the burden cannot be removed except for the mind to think of an escape, to escape into one’s own private world where one can lose the depressing problem.

When someone is unable to handle a situation; too much work or too difficult to accomplish or overcome, the person feels the weight of the work on his/her shoulders. If the work can be shared, and he/she knows there is someone else to turn to, it can never lead to depression. Tough, tired and exhausted but never depressed.

If it is a human relationship problem, the situation can be handled through understanding that it may be god’s guide to another even better relationship. Life is not just one relationship.

Getting involved in the activities of life allow the mind to move away from the problem. Sharing our painful thoughts with close friends or God can help elevate oneself from such a problem. That is one reason we have confessions in church where people can share their troubled thoughts with God.

If the situation eases after a short period, then there is relief. If the problem persists with no sight of a solution, the stress is too long and somewhere in the mind, something breaks down and hopes to find solace in depression. That is why there must be rest, a vacation, a distraction, every now and then, to move away from the pressures of life.

Sharing one’s sorrow helps to lighten the load. That is the reason we need good friends who can lend a sympathetic ear to our problems and show concern by suggesting ways to overcome the situation.

I believe it is one reason researchers discover that married people live longer and happier lives. There is always the spouse to share whatever terrible stress we have received from the office. The spouse listens and pacifies or lovingly shows there is at least one person in the world who cares.

So, through knowing that there is always someone who can help, through sharing, through taking breaks and through a lover, the darkness of the night is not so cold and a new day dawns with the warm rays reaching out towards us. These are the ways of preventing or mastering depression!

However, should depression managed to overcome anyone, there is still another solution besides the psychiatrist. I have personally helped a very young girl recover from depression by taking her to The Art Of Living. This was related in an earlier posting in which I have revealed how the Bhasrika, knowledge and the singing of the Bhajans have helped.

For adults, the Sudarshan Kriya is a wonderful breathing technique which has helped many.

Allow The Art of Living volunteers in the 146 countries in the world to reach you if you encounter or know of such cases which need help. For further assistance, email me and I will do whatever I can.

Further information on the Sudarshan Kriya can be found in
http://www.artofliving.org/

"Aarrrgh....! Look! I need it!" What?

You can only talk when there is some listening, right? Otherwise, you must be wrong somewhere in the head. You would not be striving hard for good grades in a certificate unless you know someone is going to look at it someday. We would not be choosing suitable, beautiful clothes if we do not want others to see us in them. We comb our hair in a certain fashion; we colour our lips strikingly red; we wear all kinds of jewellery and ornaments just to make ourselves attractive so that others will pay attention to us.

You have got it! We need attention! So does our children. Many of the tantrums children throw are messages to parents to heed them and their needs, one of which is attention.

I know a child who would throw a tantrum each time his younger brother took his toys to play. Since this elder son has a lot of toys to play with, why does he exhibit such a behavior? Actually, it is a message to the parents. He feels he has been neglected since the arrival of the younger child. Almost all attention has been given to the younger one. So, the only way to attract the parents to himself is to make some noise. The fact is each time he throws a tantrum, he does get attention although it is a negative type. This negative attention reinforces the action of throwing tantrums. Soon, such behavior becomes his habit. So, the parents claim it is his nature to be so bad tempered. This judgement on the part of the parents fixes the behavior and the child himself believes he is that type of person. Even his parents say so, so how can he change?

Sometimes pupils misbehave in the classroom and teachers think of a thousand and one reasons but seldom get the right answer to the problem.

Pupils are usually problematic because they are bored with the teaching or the work in the classroom. There are at least two reasons they could be bored.

One of them is that they are unable to follow the lesson due to their low proficiency level in the language medium. They cannot understand what the teacher is explaining. Even if it is in their mother tongue, the level is too high. Without being able to understand, how interested can the child be?
Imagine yourself being put into a Sanskrit class when your proficiency of that language is either low or zero! You would be merely hearing sounds that carry no meaning. Can you sit and listen quietly for forty minutes, an hour, a day, five days a week, about forty weeks a year without giving up? I can tell you this; it is torture! So, how can we blame the child for not paying attention?

In fact, when I taught English and my class consisted of students who had very low proficiency, I always told the senior English Language Officer and the Principal that I would not be following the syllabus. They were usually worried about what the Federal Inspectorates would say. I told them I would be responsible if there were any complains. I did not wish to follow a syllabus which would only bring frustration to my students and cause them to misbehave. I would go down to their level and from there help them to reach whatever level they were capable of. We must always teach from the known to the unknown.

Unless the above is done, the students in a weak class have no way out of the boredom. As frustration at not learning anything sets in, mischief or some kind of distraction created by them would be the only other way out. They have to create the mischief or die of boredom. The mischief is a method of drawing attention to their problem. And it works, in a negative manner, for them as the teacher gives them some attention in the process of scolding them.

Unfortunately, this kind of attention can never bring students and teachers together. It only leads to greater misunderstanding of the children’s needs and more antagonism between the two parties.

As we understand that mischief, tantrums or anger shown by children are ways to attract attention from adults, we ought to understand where they have been neglected and have the courage to fulfill their needs.

It is important to give our children positive attention. Such attention will bring us closer to our children.

Understanding wipes out antagonism.

“That woman only knows how to shout! For no reason whatsoever, she shouted at me for blocking her way. How was I to know she would be coming from that direction? How was I to know?”

If you know and understand what kind of person you are dealing with, then such an outburst would not have taken place. You would have understood that she suffers from mood swings. You would have realized that at certain times of the day her bad temper took over. It just did no matter how good she had been just a short while ago.

I had the advantage of knowing such a lady very early in life. During normal times, she was the best type of person you can ever find on planet earth. She would be very friendly, helpful and her beaming smile could put you in heaven! What a gal she was? There were times when she would bring food to share with her friends.

With her, the mood could swing to the opposite side in an instant. When that happened, dark clouds would rush to the scene and thunder threatened to crash down upon any unaware victim.

Fortunately, I understood her moodiness well and could recognize the symptoms of change easily. Whenever the change occurred, I got out of her way to a safe distance. With that, I remained her good friend until I was given a transfer away from there.

People used to ask me why she never shouted at me. I told them that, by that time, they should have known her type. They should have been able to see the dark clouds in her demeanour when her mood changed. All they had to do was to leave and stay out of the lightning that would flash forth.

Understand her and you need not feel any antagonism against her. After all, she herself is a victim of emotions not within her control. Be compassionate towards her fate. Given a choice, she would not have wanted it this way! Nobody asked to be like that!

“I don’t want to go with him! He counts every cent he spends!” One of my annoyed friends told me.

Well, what was said was perfectly true. Yet, I did not fault Tan.

I got to know Tan in 1971. We would go out and at the end of the day he would want all the money he had spent divided exactly by two. I had no quarrel with that as it was only right that I pay for my part of the trip and enjoyment. However, for whatever money I took out, he would not offer to share the expenses. That was his calculative habit.

Then, one day, another teacher from his hometown, told me that there was a time Tan sold ice-cream each day to earn his pocket money as he came from a very poor family. In the early 1950’s, each ice-cream sold at five cents each merely fetched him a profit of one cent.

Thus, every cent counted. The past was still with him and he could not let go of that unfortunate period. He was the victim of his past.

When we understand Tan, we realize how fortunate we are. We are blessed with such good fortune. We ought to sympathize with people like Tan. The horrible past remained a burden. What a relief if he could just leave that burden behind!

In fact, it is actually quite easy to overlook such an insignificant characteristic of Tan. He was a very friendly, helpful person who never harms anyone. In his own way, with his jokes and easy-going manner, he is very good company. He was a part of my life for a good number of years as I liked his sincerity in everything he did.

Being able to mix with whoever one encounters in life is important to our happiness. We should teach our beloved children to understand others through relating the various types of people and their peculiarities.

True Love does not take a holiday.

We want so much for our precious children. We wish them to grow, to develop and become someone successful in life. There is so much to accomplish; there is still so much yet to be done. the weekend is starting the next day. though tired from a week of work, love never takes a holiday. We forget our own selves, our own needs. with love, the self is not important. Remember the time you court your wife? well, were we ever tired of making her happy? No, never! For the children we plan a weekend outing to have our children experience a new environment, new things and another source of knowledge and happiness.

I have mentioned before that the whole world is our children's classroom with everything in it our audio-visual aids. How big it is, how much is available depends upon our resourcefulness, our time and affordability. There is so much to discover, so much to enjoy and so much to learn. We are so happy for our children.

Each weekend, we could think of a place to go. Be it near or far, cheap or expensive, that is unimportant. What is more important are the new experiences that it holds for our children.

One such place could be a location with water. Children are naturally fascinated by the presence of water.

A waterfall would be lovely and refreshing. The whole family can relax under its cascading water. The sound of falling water drives off the daily worries that hound us throughout the week. The laughter of children frolicking in the water brings back memories of our care-free youth.

For our children, it will be an experience that theycan fall back on when life becomes burdensome someday. It is not just a dream but a wonderful experience they would have shared with their loving parents.

Use language to direct their attention to the scene there. Direct them towards the cold, refreshing water; the sprays that patter onto the body; the droplets that flow delightfully down from the head to the face and the body; and the sheet of endless water that rolls down, smashing with such force upon the rocks and the water below; raising foamy bubbles as it merges with the river.

Then, we can direct our children's attention to the glee and excitement expressed in the faces and body movements of other children. Get them to listen to the laughter and shouts of delight. look at the playfulness and the boisterous games some may be having. Have our children take a dip in the cold water to experience for themselves the feeling as the iciness assaults their senses. Let them realise how it can pep them up. Let them have the opportunity to respond to cold; shivering initially and then the reflexive vigorous shaking, jumping and clasping of theirbodies to bring body heat out to combat the freezing water. They will know how their bodies can acclimatise to the water's temperature. with that, they will be just as sprightly and energetic in the water as other children.

Make them realise how people appreciate the sun more in such circumstances, how they can adjust to the cold; how they can savour the contrast feel of cold and heat!

If we have introverts among us, the atmosphere at such a vibrant and boisterous environment can assist to bring them out of the introvert shell. They lose themselves, their shyness and would help them to express themslves more openly.

This is one way we can help introverts who are too timid, who find it a problem to mix and play with other children.

I know from experience that an introvert can open up and change if they are given the right environment to do so. They can change to such an extent that others would never believe that they were introverts at one time. You see, I am such an introvert. Through situations like the above, through my friends and their encouragement for me to participate fully in their programmes, I achieved the ability to speak confidently in front of crowds, to act without hesitation when and where necessary.

Sometimes, which is very seldom, i do feel the timidity of my soul, peeping out so self-consciously as I go through life. There are times i feel so awkward that I say and do the wrong things.Sometimes, something seemed to get me to do or not to do certain things and as a result the path of my life changes. At such times, I wonder if God has a purpose in mind.

Nevertheless, to this day I am more extrovert than introvert.

Back to our children, we can see how much benefits we can give them. Love brings gifts more valuable than those purchased from supermarket shelves!

An excellent start in society.

"Wow! Isn't he great! Hey, young little fellow, where did you learn such good manners?"

Is not such praise what we would like to hear others give our child?

However, that can only happen with the correct teaching and guidance.

Just as a kid can be taught to ask to be taken to the toilet; with the right training, so can a kid be taught how to greet people.

From the earliest possible time, when opportunity presents itself, like the time we and our child meet a neighbour, tell him or her what to say to the uncle or auntie.

"Say hello to uncle. Say: Hello, uncle." Our voice should be encouraging and clear.
Accept any mumbling of the greeting with praise.

Practice makes perfect. Do this greeting as often as circumstances permit. Our children will soon get used to greeting people. With appropraite praise and encouragement, even a timid child will gain sufficient confidence to greet people.

Before a function, prepare our children to greet people by telling them how to do it.Then, at the right time, prompt them to to say the necessary. If necessary, tell them the words to use. However, never ever laugh at our children's clumsiness. If ever, they falter, give them the right words again. that is what correct teaching is all about. There must be no discouragement through any action or words. Never hurt our children's feelings. And remember they are still very young with many more years to learn.

From experience, I can assure anyone that the adults around will be pleased with the attempts by our children. They will show their pleasure at such politeness with smiles, delight and kind words; all these will be ample reward for our children. Such rewards are the nutrients for the healthy growth of self-esteem.

We are not merely developing self-esteem; we are also teaching the right behaviour, the right manners and the knowledge that approval is always given to the right deeds. Even more important, success in society begins thus with the right behaviour, habits and attitude.

To have our children well liked and popular at such a young age; is not this an excellent start?

Parental duty makes the difference.

There are times when untrained children wet or messed up their shorts or skirts so frequently that exasperated parents let out their emotions with derogatory words with such vehemence which were definitely bad for the self-esteem or confidence of any child.

Let me share with you what happened when an acquaintance and his family visited us for the first time. The father was discussing a political issue with me while the mother was talking about her neighbours with my wife.

They did not pay attention to their little child who crawled all over the place. My children, in the meantime, had a tough time getting the child to be interested in their toys. He would take one toy after and wander to the kitchen and back of the house.

As the family was leaving, the mother gave a scream as she had just discovered that her child had excreted into his pants and the excreta had gone onto her arms as she lifted him up. There was excreta on the floor too, perhaps all over the place.

She let out a lot of unprintable words and, in her embarrassment, called her child useless. She continued with a lot of other nasty remarks and scolding for the child. But, whose fault was it? Who should be termed 'useless' in such circumstances. The father merely looked on.

The child had at no time indicated his desire to defecate. Obviously, it was not the first time he had done it. Certainly, that child had not been taught or trained to inform or to go to the proper place to do it.

Parenting is not an easy duty but it has to be done for the love of our child.