A grandpa's hardship.

This evening I met a friend who confirmed my constant belief that children should never be pampered. My talk with him revealed that grandparents are not the best guardians even though their intentions are nothing but the best.

Here was this friend who exposed the problems of being grandparent-guardians of two lovely grandsons. First, there are these two children who demand his and his wife's time almost eighteen hours a day seven days a week. Awakened by a need to get things done and ready before the two grandchildren awakens; things such as moping the floor, cleaning the table and getting breakfast ready are an everyday affair. Once they are awake, it is feeding them and watching over them wherever they may wander, inside the house, to the front, the back and into the garden.

And besides this, there is this over-loving of grandparents, sometimes one more concerned than the other. For example, he would allow them to run around and fall every now and then, while she, the grandma, would scream at him whenever one of the grandchildren is in danger of a fall or a crash into a piece of furniture. Or one child would touch the floor, then grabs a piece of food and pops it into his mouth. Oh, no! How can that be allowed? No grandchild of mine must have dirt go into his mouth! And grandpa gets the blame. So, everyday, something would cause heated arguments on proper care of grandchildren. Tempers can flare and and relationships can get strained. All because of two grandchildren.

All these can happen because one or both grandparents love the children too much. Well, too much of a good thing can be bad. It leads to pampering. Everything the grandchild wants, he will get, be it food or playthings. At the supermarket recently, this grandpa saw how extravagant the grandma was with her money, paying almost thirty ringgit for a rifle, handcuffs and other 'police' toys. The young father who was present then refused to purchase them as he was thinking of effects such toys could have on his son, the grandpa would not part with so much money for some useless plastic toys but the grandma thought her grandchild must have what is desired by him as children need toys to play with. Furthermore, she has her own money to pamper her grandchild with and that silenced the other two men. So, nothing is too expensive for a pampering grandmother and the toys were bought.

And as the children grew bigger, the grandparents required more energy. Even a simple bath is a problem. Getting them to bath needs a lot of persuading, something leading to scolding and threats before any bathing could take place. Then, there was the amount of play when two children wants to enjoy the bathroom at the same time. There was noise and a lot of splashing that got the floor wet and slippery. The grandma and grandpa have to be extraordinarily careful holding onto the children under such slippery surfaces. Thus, each bath ends with another round of mopping and drying of the floor. That is a lot of work for two old folks.

This friends did remarked that it was easier with their own children. They were more willing to discipline them, be more firm with them and should that not be effective, a spanking on the buttocks was sufficient to put things into proper order. So, he admitted that when it came to the grandchildren, they were unwilling to commit the same type of disciplining.

This grandpa realised that he was not able to enforce discipline on his grandchildren; the very same discipline which had been effective with his own children. Why is that so? Could it be that they understand, deep in their hearts, that grandchildren have their own parents to love, and so, unless even greater love is bestowed upon the grandchildren, the grandchildren might not love them enough? And that could be the reason, they give too much love, pampering, to their grandchildren.

It is time that grandparents search their hearts and should their actions are the result of this subconscious thought, then they must correct their thinking as pampering, be it on one's own children or grandchildren, is never good for them as it would do them a lot of harm. In my earlier posts I had explored the harm and problems that could arise from pampered children. Even in the previous post was a true story of a woman who was divorced by her husband due to her uncaring ways which was caused by her being pampered as an only child. Let us help our beloved young ones grow properly with the right amount of love and understanding into great wonderful individuals loved by all humans they associate with in their lives.

To truly love, we have to suffer the pain of having to discipline when necessary so that the ones we discipline will grow to love and be loved by all.

A time will come when we have to face reality.

In the Malaysian Chronicler today was a Nanyang Siang Pau Newspaper report in which a 48 year-old Singaporean woman realised the importance of appreciation for a husband who has always done everything that her heart desired and had never lost his temper despite having been ill-treated by her with her tantrums and treated with disdain for months over small matters.


Her only excuse for her terrible behaviour was her being spoilt as an only child of her parents.According to her, she had told her husband of her bad temper and he had promised to bear with her and her bad tamper. Perhaps, with that promise, she thought she could get away with being the tigress and forget everything about love in a marriage.

Eventually, the husband must have gave up on her, gave up on ever having love in return and asked for a divorce. It was only then that she realised how much she was going to lose - a husband who has always cared enough to overlook all her bad behaviour and tried his very best to cater to her every whim and fancy. Awakened by the fact that she was going to lose the very person who could have given her so much happiness, she apologised and wrote many letters to ask for a second chance.

As they say, people only awaken to reality only when their 'ship' is about to sink. It has happened many times in life. People only look more carefully into their lives only when their lives are at stake. Only when stricken with a terrible sickness such as cancer, do people think about their health. Only when you are about to lose someone do you think of his or her goodness. Only when the partner says 'enough is enough', do some folks know appreciation of him or her.

Why not think of such things earlier. Think of the beautiful people in our lives. Have we shown sufficient appreciation for them? Are they important enough to be treated with more care and love? What about ourselves? Do we love ourselves enough to think of our happiness, our fitness and health? Think of it and act on it immediately as now is the time to do so, not later for that later time may never come and may be gone forever.

Is that the way to give in?

"If there is something they want and they don't get it immediately, what do your children do?" one friend asked another.
"My kids are all grown and I never had problems with them but the neighbour's children always shout and demand till they get what they want. Otherwise, you hear them at the top of their voices going on for such a long time. Usually, I close the door and move into the room farthest away from their house but you still can hear their grouses," the other friend observed.

"What do the parents do under such circumstances?" his friend wanted to know.
"Well, sometimes not a sound came from the parent but then there are times when both seem to be having a quarrel and at such times I just don't know how she could stand such nonsence," he told his friend.

I was standing nearby and what they said I noted with interest. Is what I heard the result of too busy parents who are both out somewhere most of the time with hardly any quality time to spend with their children? But then what about the love for the precious children or are those children no longer precious? And how is it that they could allow such tantrums to occur so often?

I am the proud parent of two wonderful children who loves and respect their parents just as their parents had always love and respect them. Although I was very busy with my morning teaching and evening training of my gymnasts at least five days a week when they were growing up, the rest of the time was for my children. Their interests were my interests and their joys were my joys. They wanted a hen and I wished to have that hen in my garden. They wanted fish and the fish was bought. They wanted walks in the low hills behind the house and we took walks. I planned our weekend outings with what they can possibly be interest in. So in many things there was no need for tantrums and therefore they knew not how to throw tantrums. But then I did not pamper them. Far from it, I never allow them things that were not good for them. But there are ways to tell a child something is neither good nor suitable.

Regarding teaching a child what are neither good nor beneficial, allow me to tell you about cigarettes. At a very young age I have studied and known the bad effects of unnatural substances such as smoke in one's lungs because of poor health during my younger days, the frustrations of being weak. So, at the earliest opportunity I reacted negatively towards the smell of smoke and showed my obvious dislike of such smell. Yes, they learn to dislike the smell of smoke from me and since then, when they were young, they would hurry me away from an area where smokers were puffing away.

As for some expensive toys which I feel are not worth that price, I would explain to them that they are just too expensive, that with that money we could buy so many this and that. As I have always been close with them (That's the secret!) they knew that I care for them and have their interest at heart at all times and because of that they do not demand. Sometimes I have observed that they could be reluctant to let go of the idea of having something but in the end they understood. Once, in fact (I have written about this in an earlier post.) my elder child was interested in a very expensive toy and as it was after his excellent results in the standard six, primary school results, I told him that if he wished it, he could buy it but after looking longingly for some time, he stopped me from calling for a salesperson to get the toy and told me it was not only expensive, it was of not much use to him.

So, when our children ask for something, talk nicely to them. If they need it and it's good for them and it's affordable, we should give it to them and enjoy their happiness. However, if it is not good for the child, tell the child the reason and if its unaffordable, tell the little one. And if the little one is too young to understand, give the child a choice of something else but no tantrums. Anyway, such problems would not arise if parents had always thought of their children's needs and wants. If they do, then happiness is always available and that would never cultivate any tantrums.

Why tantrums? Children throw tantrums because they know that is the way to get what they want. And the worse effect on the tantrum-throwing child is that that child would be using the same technique throughout his/her life. Parents may tolerate tantrums but not others. Others would just disappear and the child will find loneliness in his/her world unless he/she is very wealthy, but he/she will never have true friends for such 'ants' are only around for the sugar. And should that wealth go away, so will those ants.

So, who do you think encourage some children to throw tantrums? Yes, it is the parents, parents who do not care or know enough to do the right thing.

They are never too young to learn.

"He's still too young to know. Let him be. He'll understand as he grows older."

That is what we hear from some parents when their children commit wrongs when they are still young. The question is "When will he be old enough to learn?". When should the teaching start? At what age is he old enough to realise his mistakes?

Parents ought to understand that children start learning, at the latest, the day they were born. That is the age they start to learn about the little world they are put in. That little world consists of their parents and their surroundings.

They learn to love and be loved. They learn to respond to their parents. They learn the attitudes of their parents. They learn to make demands the correct way or the wrong way. All these depend upon the parents for the parents are the first teachers.

Do they feel security? Are the parents always present to attend to their needs? Do they feel the comfort of their parents arms?

Then, are there voices to listen to? Does the sound of language come often enough to help the child remember it?

Is there the opportunity to learn coordination? Do the parents play with the child to have it develop physical skills, to catch hold of parents' hands, toreach out for them?

Then, does the child get pampered? A morning or evening walk in his pram is good but when he is used to it and when parents' time do not permit such an activity, does it demand with cries and such cries are rewarded. When that happens every time, a child learns to cry for rewards. He learns that tantrums can get his demands met. When that happens, it is the start of a bad habit which, unless quick action is taken to stop further practice of such demanding ways, can lead a child to throw tantrums to expect being rewarded to stop the undesirable action.

Pampering starts innocently enough to have parents not realise that it could lead to a child with bullying techniques to achieve his aims in life. It can lead to undesirable ways unacceptable to society. That could bring danger not just to society but also to the child because as the child grows older and realises that tantrums alone could never get him what he wanted, he would resort to other undesirable ways to achieve his goal.

So, a child is never too young to learn bad habits or language. When it comes to language, it imitates the parents and that is the reason we sometimes hear very young children shout offensive or obscene words without much thought of its effect on other people. There have been parents who are so casual with such profanity that their children learn them at a very young age. As such, parents ought to be careful with the kind of language they use in front of their children.

Children are never too young to learn. Parents must ensure only good habits and proper language reaches their young.

What's love?

I knew a rich guy who inherited a lot of money from his father. This was the best son of the lot as he knew how to look after his money, to invest it in property and loans.

The others, mainly because they had enough money to fall back on at any time, did not manage to do any business or had a permanent job. One of them was so arrogant that he hopped from job to job, vacating any job the minute the boss complained about him. He held onto a job as long as he could do as he wished.

So, despite the vast wealth of the dead father, most of his sons found life difficult. The only fortunate thing for them was the amount of money still kept in the bank and not spent on gambling. Except for the guy I knew, if anyone of them had gambled, all the inherited money would have disappeared fast since they had no permanent job.

However, unlike the father and this guy I knew, they knew not how to establish a business of their own. Perhaps, they were pampered by the parents when they were young, thus not even having to be hands on in their father's business and learning nothing at all about business. Seldom does this happen but the fact that there were these children proves that it can happen if parents are too protective and pamper their children with too much leisure time.

The guy, the youngest of the children, who could only hold onto a job as long as the boss allowed him to do as he wished could have been the most pampered, not used to criticism from anybody and allowed to lord over others in the family.

Love needs effort and there can be stress. To teach a child right from wrong, there is need for effort and when a child is stubborn, there would certainly be stress. To let the child have his/her own way even when the child's behaviour is wrong would not require any effort or stress. But to do so, knowing that the future of the child is at stake, there can be no real love for the child, for love dictates that it desires the best present and future for the one loved. To watch a rot start and not take appropriate action to stop it is to not care about the harm the rot can do.

Of course, the parents who pamper their children may think that their pampering is an act of love. Unfortunately, they are definitely wrong for we would certainly do what is right for the child out of love for him/her; not let the rot set in through our efforts. That can never be.

Never pamper and give the child problems in facing challenges.

A four month old child cried fifteen minutes after the air-conditioner was switched off. The parent ran quickly to the remote control and switched it on again. The baby stopped crying.

But then, one day, the electricity supply went off and according to the national electric board, a major problem had forced the supply to be cut off. When the supply could return to the consumers was a big question mark. However, to appease the consumers, the board promised that the staff would be working round the clock to minimise any inconvenience caused.

That day was a problem for the child. He could not sleep well although he was sleepy. He cried a lot. Eventually, the family had to put him into the family car, turn on the air-conditioner and took him out in it. To put him in the car without it moving would be dangerous as carbon monoxide gas from the engine would bring death after some time. So, the family had to put aside everything else to make the four month old comfortable for a number of hours.

What was the cause of such a problem? The child had been conditioned to sleep only in the coolness of an airconditioner. The parents had pampered the child. Of course, the problem would not have arisen had the electric supply not been closed down by some unforeseen circumstances. And in life, there are numerous unforeseen circumstances which can occur. Therefore, we should never pamper. We should prepare our children for real life where he/she will have to face all kinds of challenges from the people he or she will meet, from the circumstances that may befall him/her, from the changes that may occur through the weather, the places and politics.

Pampering the child can bring problems to the child should conditions turn unfavourable in life. Life is tough if parents do not prepare them to face it well. In the above true story, parents introduced luxurious comforts to the child too early in life. I am not saying that we should never use the air-conditioner. However, we should only use it when really necessary, when the day is too hot. Even then, there is temperature control. We need not have the room so cold. give the child a temperature which is comfortable enough to have him/her sleep. And when the air is cool and the room temperature cool enough with just a fan, let the child sleep in that condition. Let the child be used to all kinds of condition so that should he have to go to a residential school where there is no airconditioner, only fans and the cool night air, he/she would be able to be comfortable with the situation.

In an earlier posting, there was another true story in which a young man committed suicide while studying as an undergraduate in a local university when he could not face the hardship of life on his own without maids to cater to his every need. Life became so unbearably tough even though others went through it without complains. His training for real life was just not good enough. As a result, he opted out at the prime of his life. How sad! How unfortunate that a young intelligent person could not cope with such mild challenges in life. We certainly do not want this to happen to someone we bring up to face the world.

A true story: Pampering can kill a child.

One day, a friend told me about a child who did not need to do anything at home. From young, the parents had made sure that everything he needed was there for him. As a result of great wealth, he grew up merely eating, sleeping, playing, learning and enjoying. There was always a servant to cater to his every need.

Early each morning, he woke up, brushed his teeth, bathed and ate his breakfast. For breakfast, he merely went to the breakfast table where a servant had prepared his food and drinks. After breakfast, he left the plates, cups and whatever utensils on the table for the servant to pick up and wash. Then, he was chauffeured to school, his school bag already placed in the car, the bag packed ready each morning by another servant.

Everything was done for him. His bed was tidied and made ready for him, his toys were taken out for him each time he voiced his desire to play. They were kept by a servant after his enjoyment.

As he studied, tutors for the number of subjects he studied were made available. They helped him to do his homework and fed him knowledge. There was no necessity for him to look through books to search for facts and information. There was always someone to do all that for him.

As he was quite intelligent, with the aid of so many good tutors, he managed to do well enough to secure sufficient good grades to enter the university.

For the first time in his life, he was on his own in the university. There were tutors but nobody to spoonfeed him sufficiently. As he had to stay in the university during his first year, he discovered that he had to wake up on his own. Used to being awaken by a servant, the alarm did no good. He missed lectures. As for food, he found it unbearable to have to queue up to buy food and drinks at the university canteen. Sometimes, he would rather go hungry at lunch time and take a taxi to one of the restaurants later in the evening.

Of course, not joining any of the university students for lunch, he lost the opportunity of associating with them, of befriending any of them. Except for the few roommates he had, there were few friends.

Even his room-mates found him deplorable, as he was used to having things his way. If he was tired and sleepy, he would expect everyone to keep silent and not interfere in any way with his rest. However, when he felt like it, he would have his radio loud with his favourite songs no matter what the time was. Almost everyone could not stand his behavior. Of course, in the battle for self, he was always the loser as every other person would do all things dreadful to him to avenge the times they were shouted for seemingly innocent faults.

Other than these, he had to wash his own clothes. Often, unable to settle down to such abominable tasks, he would accumulate the dirty clothes in a bag to have them taken to a laundry to be washed. Even that was so unpleasant as he had to lug it to a taxi to send it to the cleaners.

After some months, he found life so unendurable. He just could not take it anymore. He felt so wretched. This was not the life he wanted. Facing such depths of despair, he commited suicide. Despite the opportunity of a university education and possibly a good life ahead, he was a drop-out of life itself.

He opted out of life because he was not prepared by his parents for real life.
Money could get him servants. It could give him luxuries but it could never buy him the love of his friends or prepare him for the challenges of life.

According to my friend, the above is a true story.

Demands, demands and demands.

“Do something about it! That man scolded me,” she shouted angrily at the son.
“But mon, you did dirty his floor,” the son tried to put some sense into his mom.
“What! Are you saying that he can scold me and get away with it?”
“Mom, I told……….”
“Don’t you talk back at your mom! How can you take the side of that man? I’m your mother, you know?”
The poor exasperated son , realizing nothing could get his mother to see reason, quickly walked away from the scene to escape further embarrassment.

That mother demanded for action, right or wrong, to be taken. Her demands had to be attended to or she would throw her usual tantrums. Why are some mothers or fathers, or anybody for that matter, be like that?

It all started when this mother was young. She learned then the art of getting things her way. She found the method one day and through years of practice have built it into her life to have things her way.

Young children, not just the present day ones, are clever and know how to wrap their unwary parents or grandparents around their little fingers. Throwing tantrums is quite a successful and popular technique and too-loving guardians and parents just are no match for some of these tiny little tots.

As a parent, I remember taking my wife, my two children, my mother-in-law and her granddaughter to an outing. There was this procession with a lion dance in it. It was something I felt I would like to have my children enjoy. It was after lunch and all of us ought not to be thinking of food.

Just then, as we were watching and enjoying the sight of a lion prancing around near us, the ringing bell of the ice-cream man attracted the attention of the little girl, my mother-in-law’s granddaughter. She demanded for ice-cream. When none of us paid her any heed, she stamped her feet and cried. My wife and I paid her no attention as we did not want our children to learn such behavior. If we were to buy ice-cream for her, then my two boys would come to understand that that was the way to get attention and whatever they wanted.

With the grandma there, of course, the girl succeeded with her technique. She knew it would get results. She got her ice-cream.

I did buy ice-cream for my two children when they were young but not when they shouted, screamed and demanded. From young, I have taught them love. I have always taught them what is good for them, what is the right thing to do and the way to doing it. When I see something tasty like the ice-cream in the supermarket, I would buy it for them to try the taste. At other times, I would not buy the ice-cream but get them some tasty fruits instead and teach them that fruits are better than ice-cream. Sometimes or as they grow up to understand better, I would explain to them the advantages of eating certain food over other food.

There is a lot of advantages in communicating with your children. Communication leads to a kind of closer relationship. Today, there are certain things my sons are better at or are more knowledgeable than me and because we easily communicate, they would tell me the things I do not know. Isn’t that wonderful?

Thus, we ought to talk to our children rather than just succumb to their demands and tantrum. Should a child throw a tantrum, parents must love them enough to stand firm and teach them why a thing ought not to be done then and teach them to communicate properly.

Of course, I have noticed that sometimes a tantrum is brought on by parents. A child may be hungry and needs food badly but uncaring(?) parents refuse to respond to complains of hunger; perhaps too engrossed in something such as an interesting conversation with a friend. To attract attention to his/her problem a child may be forced to complain even louder, gradually shouting and screaming for attention to a real problem. Only when a tantrum occurs do such parents stop whatever they could have been doing to attend to the child, indirectly teaching the child to throw tantrums or make demands.

How then can we fault such a child? That was what she had been taught or trained through a natural necessity to behave thus. If that child remained unaware of her problematic behavior, it can lead to an inability to understand that no one in society would pamper her with attention whenever she demands it. Success in being easily accepted by society, and even family members, can be crippled by such parenting.

Thus, it is important that children should never be allowed to continue or taught to throw tantrums.

If there's a bully, what can be done?

Since bullying and gangsterism is on the rise as parents put more time into financial improvement and career, with less and less time for their children, it is time we look into this problem which may affect our children.

A bully is usually a pampered or neglected kid who has been allowed to get away with bad behaviour until he/she believes he can get away with any kind of misdeed. Without proper parental guidance or teaching, such a child feels he could get away with any misdemeanour and so does as he or she wishes to achieve his/her own ends. If no action is taken on him or her, it is just a matter of time before he hurts someone bad enough to recieve some kind of punishment. How far he goes with his/her life of wrong-doing and eventually crime depends upon his being apprehended for some kind of crime. From a bully, he/she may become a gangster, then a robber or a killer. Thus, it is important that authorities arrest this progress of a child or youth before he /she becomes hardcore.

What should a parent do if your child were to encounter a bully? In such circumstances, never allow anger to overcome you. Of course, being angry is perfectly normal but anger could lead you to the wrong action. if you were to personally punish the child, you become the one who is wrong. If the bully's parent were to come into the picture then, there could be a misunderstanding ending in a fight with both the losers.

What should be done? Rightly so, we must report the child to the proper authorities. If it happens in school, then let the school authorities call for the bully's parents and take action on the bully. Expelling a bully is not right either as that would only hasten the process to crime. Depending upon the severity of the case, a warning in front of the parents or a transfer to another school further from the bully's home would draw attention to the parents' need to pay more attention on their child. This can inconvenience the parents but it is the parents who allowed the problem to aggravate to this serious stage in the first place. Some parents ought to be given advise or counselling on good parenting by or through the school authorities.

As for the child who is bullied, the parents ought to accompany him/her to school to help him overcome the trauma of the incident as well as give him/her the courage to return to the scene/school to continue his/her studies. The discipline teacher ought to be confided in regarding the feeling of the victim so that he/she could help by keeping a vigilant eye on the victim and the bully.

If there are no further incidents of bullying after a warning, then the bully ought to be given the chance to improve as the bully is nothing but a victim of parental neglect.

However, should the bullying continue, then the school have to take firm action to contain the problem. The parents have to be informed and the child has to be sent out to another school.

Then again, there are some people who are against transferring a bully to another school, claiming that this merely transfers the problem elsewhere. That may be true if the parents are not told that the problem arises from their neglect. The parent must be informed that should the problem continues in the new school, the child will be transferred even further from home. The parents should be made to sign documents indicating that they have been informed of the consequences of their child's unacceptable action and the parents have been advised to take heed of their child's attitude and behaviour with greater love and better bonding with the child. (Please go to earlier posting on bonding with our precious children.)

Of course, it will inconvenience any parent to take his child to a school further away. Such parents ought to understand that this would draw their attention to their child. The parent may have to transport the child to and fro from a school as it may not be the usual routes of most buses. Greater contact and understanding could be achieved and the child could come to understand that his parents do care after all. There is no need for rowdy or bullying tactics to attract attention.

Yes, basically the child could be trying to draw much needed attention to himself or herself. That is the result of neglect. With more love, care and attention from the parents, the bully is bound to change. After all, when change is necessary to win the approval of the loving parents, it will happen.

That is the power of love, care and attention.

We reap whatever we have sown.

Once upon a time, my wife and I used to travel from Sungai Petani, Kedah to sungai Dua, Penang in search of orchid plants for their exotic blooms. The flowers are sometimes used by me in floristry.

While passing a small town known as Kepala Batas, we noticed some orchid plants in the garden of a house. We stopped to admire the beautiful flowers. As we reached the gate, we were shocked by an frightening cry from within the house. It was like the anguished cry of a trapped animal. Then, the owner of the house appeared and i requested permission to have a closer look at her orchids.

As we were appreciating the beauty of some of her flowers, the bizarre cry was heard again. curious, i asked the lady what cry that was. At that, she looked so sad and did not seem to want to respond to my enquiry.

It was only when we got to know her better with more frequent stops to admire the flowers that she became friendlier with us. Then, one day, just after we heard the same cry again, she began to tell us it was the sound of her son. Puzzled and surprised, i asked what her child's problem was.

She quietly led us into her house. She took us to a room at the back portion within which was seen a very thin naked figure lying on the floor. The smell from that room was nauseating and it was only with great effort that my wife and I managed not to vomit. The door to the room had been cemented permanently shut with two openings in the door; at the bottom was a slit approximately four inches high, certainly not big enough for any human to squeeze through; and higher up was a barred window through which we could see the figure in the room.

What she told us was a tragic story of how a family suffered; had to imprison their eldest child to prevent the themselves from being threatened with harm and death.

Many years ago, the family was very rich with a thriving business in the town. The child was pampered with everything he demanded. With lots of money at that time, his demands was not a problem. Unfortunately, too much money for a boy of fourteen meant he could avail himself of anything, be it good or bad.

With his money, he tried everything, form girls to drugs. He discovered the easy availability of drugs. As expected,he soon got addicted. Addiction lead to the need for more daily dosage of expensive drugs. Even for the rich, he found that the money given him was not enough.

Before long, the parents realised that a lot of money was being used to support his addiction. They began to oppose his wasteful spending of their money. Without money to feed his addition, he became angry with his parents. when anger did not get him what he demanded, he threatened them with a knife. At first, fear for their lives made them submit to his demands.

However, the demand for more and more money each passing day was a strain on them. One day, to overcome their miserable dilemma, they locked him up in his room.

His savage behaviour shocked them when he broke down the door, grabbed a long knife and demanded more money. From then on, they never could have a good night's sleep, unsure what calamity the next minute might bring.

The stress eventually became too great for the family to bear and so they decided to imprison him in the room we saw.

At first, when they witnessed his withdrawal symptoms, they almost sympathised with him. But realising the difficult situation they faced, they had to harden their hearts and bear the pain of knowing that there was just no way out. They did want people to know the shame they have brought upon themselves.

They would throw him clothes but those clothes were never worn. Each day they pushed in plates of food and bowls of water through the four-inch slit below the door. A long stick was used to retrieve the metal plate and bowl. A hose was used to direct sprays of water to bathe their son and clean the room. When i saw him, he had been in that room a good number of years.

I have known of at least two drug addicts who were pampered children. Miserable were their lives. Thus, as parents, we must never pamper our children. No matter how difficult it is, love them enough to say 'No!' to things or behaviour that is harmful to them.

As a parent, I know it pains us or bring anxiety or guilt sometimes, when we have to discipline our children. We have to remind ourselves that our children need discipline to grow into strong, useful people.

To end, perhaps this particular story i heard sometime ago is appropraite.

A prisoner was being lead to the gallows. The mother rushed forward to hug him for the last time. The prisoner put his mouth to his mother's ear. He bit off her ear! Then, he turned tearfully to his mother and said,"If you had loved me enough to teach me the difference between good and bad; punish me when I am bad, I would not have to die this way."

A family is only as strong as its weakest member.

This morning, I attended the knowledge session to listen to the introduction of Patanjali in The Art of Living Centre in Kedah, Malaysia.

In the introduction is a story of how Patanjali had a thousand people gathered towards the South of Vindiya Mountain in Southern India. He told the listeners that a screen would be placed between them and him. That was the condition for imparting the knowledge. Besides that no one was to move out till the full knowledge had been completely taught.

Everyone was absorbed in the knowledge. With each new knowledge, a new realization came and the enthusiastic energy was so great they found it difficult to contain themselves. Still, they maintained their discipline.

But then, as fate would have it, a young boy felt the need to answer nature’s call. Quietly, thinking no one would notice, he went to the toilet. But when he started to move, the collective consciousness was broken. People turned their heads, looked towards the movement and started to wonder.

“Who’s that? What happened? Who is going out? Why is Patanjali behind the screen? Yes, why is he there?” And some of them lifted the screen to look for Patanjali. As they did so, the place burst into fire and all the nine hundred and ninety-nine people died. Only the boy who went to the toilet survived.

The one who survived was the weakest link in the group. He disconnected the strong chain of discipline the group had formed. He disrupted the collective consciousness. Without the togetherness, people in the group started acting as individuals with their doubts and curiosity. The fire in the story was a symbol of the kind of tragedy that can befall a group when its collective strength was destroyed, destroyed by its weakest link. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

In a family, it is also true that it is only as strong as its weakest member. A weak father, a gambler or a drunkard, can easily break up a family. A weak mother, on personal pursuits and neglecting the family can also cause chaos. A pampered child who merely wants personal demands met can bring problems to the parents and the family. Therefore it is in our interest to love, nurture, help, look into the welfare of and be responsible for every member of our family.

Teach our children love.

With adults, some adults find it difficult to express love. It becomes even more difficult when they are hurt although the love is still there.

Fortunately, parents find it so easy to love their children. Even when the children hurt them they go on expressing their love openly.

Love is one of the most important things in life. Love moves your child to follow you, to imitate you, to want you to love him/her, to be the best he/she can possibly be, to care for your feelings, to care about what you think and, thus in this manner, become the best child in the world for you. All these we see in a child who is loved but not in the one who is pampered.

What is the difference between loving and pampering? When we love a child, we want him/her to be the best for himself or herself. To reach this goal, we must love him/her enough to teach him/her to differentiate between right and wrong. It may be difficult, sometimes painful and needs effort to change the bad habits or whatever is wrong, but a parent must do it for the good of the child even if it hurts. It means that there may be the need for punishment.

However, a loving parent does not punish to release any frustrations or anger. The parent punishes to correct the child. Sometimes a disapproving look or tone of voice is enough. Sometimes there may be a need for a light slap on the palm or buttocks just to indicate disapproval clearly. A beloved child will know he/she must not continue with the unacceptable action.

When a child is pampered, the parent loves the child to gain the child’s love. So, everything the child does, right or wrong, is accepted and approved by the parent. The child, of course, in his/her innocence is made to believe that he/she can never do any wrong. Used to acceptance to all his/her wishes and demands, the child learns to be selfish in love. The pampered child learns to throw tantrums to get the parent to accede to demands. Does such a child care for his/her parent’s feelings? Certainly not, but who has taught her such a behavior? Who has taught her this kind of love? Unless someone can change his/her attitude towards love, the child will grow up to be a demanding adult who would always think of himself/herself only, without consideration for others. Sometimes, even the very parent or guardian who is the one who has caused such a problem to arise, may come to dislike the child for his/her unacceptable, selfish ways. It is indeed tragic!

Here is a true, sad story. As a discipline teacher in one school, I once approached a parent to tell her that her child needs her attention and advised her to talk to her child as he was obviously heading towards a problem. The single parent refused to see the problem. She believed her son stayed at home always and was incapable of doing wrong although she was most of the time at work leaving the child alone the whole day to fend for himself. Unfortunately, the problem was allowed to worsen and she woke up to the horrors of a pampered child’s actions only when she was slapped and beaten by her only child. It happened when she discovered that he was the one who had been stealing her money to buy drugs. She came crying to the school to complain but this teacher could only advise her to seek help from the appropriate authorities as the child was absent despite many letters of notification to the parent.

So, love your child for the good of himself/herself, not because he/she was of your own blood and genes. Let your child know that you love because you care and because you care you want him/her to have all the good qualities a child is capable of acquiring. In this way, the child grows up loving himself or herself, you and others, understanding and respecting you and others for the things he or she holds dear to his or her heart.

Thus, parents are very important people. The future of our world lies in the hands of parents. Parents who earnestly aspire to have children acquire the best human qualities are the ones who will ensure our environment is clean and healthy, put forth children who value joy, love and peace, and insures the safety of our planet earth and every individual in it. Do you think this is possible?

Thus, teach our children love so that they love themselves, their parents, their fellow humans, other creatures who have every right to a place under the sun, the environment, our planet and the divine spirit, God. May God bless such loving parents!