Why most mother-in-laws always get a bad name?

"Why must mother-in laws go where angels fear to tread?"
"Because it involves their sons or daughters, their blood and skin, and no one shall ever be allowed to threaten their welfare or happiness, imagined or otherwise!"

Really but the irony is that whenever mother-in-laws take sides, and invariably it is their own sons' or daughters' side, welfare scoots out the front door and happiness splatters onto the floor and drips into the drain if they are allowed to have things their way.

I have always advised young married couples to stay in a place of their own, no matter how shabby they have to be. It is surely better than any palace of both parents, no matter how grand they might be. Tell me who rules in those palaces if not the mother-in-laws. And the rulers ordained that her word is law, never ever to be disputed by any, except perhaps the kings themselves.

Those young couples who happen to be lucky to meet great kings in those palaces will find salvation, if not it will truly test their love for each other; and many great lovers have fallen in those moments of stress. Why give love such an unnecessary test when a simple move like having a little home of one's own can prevent the
problem.

In the first place, such a problem need not arise as all good mothers love their children and would certainly want their children to find eternal bliss in love. I sincerely believe they do. In that case why must problems come in many cases from them?

I believe it is jealousy. It is a human trait. You see, for years, the child was hers and hers alone, especially so if the father is out somewhere working for the money. Mother cooks the the child, frets over every little discomfort that may be noticed and cares for that little one in every way twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week without any holiday at all. Then, after about twenty years, minus or add a few years, someone else, a total stranger comes along and sweeps her little boy or girl off, gains most of his/her attention and love which was once hers alone and comes into her palace to perhaps take over her stately position in the house-hold. For the love of her child she could tolerate certain things but then, imaginary or real threats are seen as the new woman of the house (Of course, it does happen with the men too, but it is usually with the woman.)seem to be the new authority when her child was concerned. The threats grew threateningly unbearable and it is a matter of time before something gives and all that is toxic is vomited out to shatter the peace of the home. The fuse that explodes the bomb could be anything from a careless word to some misunderstanding or even a dispute of family matters.

The thing is usually the problem is between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. Well, it is probably because the face each other almost eighteen hours a day if both are not working. Even it there are working both are sort of in control of household matters and here there can be a clash of ideas and methodology. Nevertheless, as women, why can't they help their female kind achieve some kind of harmony and success which would be beneficial to both parties? Why not come to an amiable understanding and have respect for each other so that their common household can be the haven for happiness?

Perhaps, the women can form a kind of society and exchange ideas or teach each other how they could live even better lives with greater understanding of each other. With time we, regardless of sex, ought to become better humans.

Children need parents' attention.

The monitor of a class was sent to request my help as a young form three student refused to return to the class when he was found sniffing glue behind one school block. That was 1988 when I was the discipline-teacher of Sekolah Menengah Bakar Arang, the then most notorious school in Sungai Petani for gangsterism. Established just three years ago, there were lots of problems and being discipline-teacher kept me on my toes throughout the day as such a post brings problems from school as well as outside school hours.

One of the problems I encountered were children from families who were too busy with work or family tiffs, separation and divorce.

Returning to the child with his sniffing of glue, I had to approach the child slowly, talking to him from a distance in as quiet and calm a voice as I could muster. I knew I had to portray my concern for him to gain his confidence. There was no reprimand to be given, no demand for him to explain himself or return to class. I just sat down some distance from him, watched him and asked if he was alright. When he did not reply I told him I just wondered how I could help him. Then, I innocently asked him what it was he was holding in his hand. He showed me the small tin of glue. I slid a little closer, took a look at it and asked him what he was doing with it. He did not respond with any any words but merely looked at me as I went on to tell him that if there was any problem I was there to help him. I had to be patient and it took some time before he allowed me to take the tin of glue from him, each time moving just a little bit closer. Then with one hand over his shoulder, I told him I understood how he felt, although I did not as I have never sniffed glue or been high before. Nevertheless, I sat there for a little while longer before I got him to return to his class where i told the form teacher to let him rest at his place.

The next day I had a talk with his parents and told him the problem their child was facing, warning them that that child needed love and understanding more than any accusation or scolding. I told them that if they care for that child they have to give him more attention, know his activities and his friends.

Yes, children can be easily lead astray if there is a lack of attention on the part of the two most important people in their lives, the parents. In fact, as a disciplinarian in that school I learned a lot from those unfortunate children. Most of them went astray to find alternative attention in one form or another. I believe a study into our heroes and villains will lead to one conclusion; they perform all those deeds again and again because of the attention they beget. Even the ordinary man on the street perform whatever they do each day to get the necessary attention from their peers, their colleagues and their friends or whoever they come across.

And attention is least found in problem families where both parents no longer care for the welfare of their homes, both spending less and less time in the home with more and more time away somewhere else. In bigger families, the reduction in attention could be overcome with attention from other loving members of the family but if those other members do not care, hope for proper attention for those children is lost and they have to search for other sources of attention. Be the external sources of attention good or bad is a matter of luck. If the children are lucky they find some sources of attention beneficial, if not it can lead to drugs, theft and all kinds of possible mischief.

Therefore, a happy, loving family is the best place to nourish a growing child. Where there is love, there will always be care and when that is present there must be happiness and a beautiful path towards success in life.

Spend time with our children.

This morning, I noted how a little girl was so close to her father that she loved to have his protective arms around her wherever they went. That father must have spent a lot of time with his daughter, playing with her and looking after her most of the time, whenever he was not working. That was soon confirmed as I know the father.

This brought back memories of my time with my children and nephew when they were young. Except for the time I had to be away at work, my wife and I spent our time with our children, talking to them, listening to whatever they were capable of expressing, playing with their toys, taking part in their joy and having the fun of our lives. Then, as they grew bigger and stronger, we ventured afield, first to the nearby fields and hills, then on outings to places of interest, letting our children experience new things, feelings, knowledge and discovering new understanding. Using the people and things we see on the way or at the places we went, we explained how the various people came to be what they were, that our actions have consequences and the final result of the situation people are in are caused by their very actions or inactions. Thgus, in this manner, we use the world of people, animals and things to educate our children.

In fact, looking back I found my precious time with my children too short. Time passes so fast. So, to parents who still have young children with them, do not waste what you may not have any more one day. Enjoy every precious second that you have with your children, for very soon they will be children no more.

Well, as a result of our spending time with our children, they are today very close with me. As they have reached adulthood, they are now more friend than children and we could discuss many things, improving further our relationship in the family. I am a proud and happy father because God gave me the opportunity to realise such importance early in life. I can never thank God enough for that.

Ego, commerce or superstition?

Throughout the year, I have a great appetite. I consume a big amount of food as my activities in a day consist of much physical action. I needed the carbohydrates through grains, fruits and vegetables to supply the amount of energy I use up each day. Of course, I take sufficient protein, vitamins and minerals food to ensure I stay in good health.

However, there was a time, always at this time of the year, the eve of the Chinese New Year, when I lost some of my appetite as the result of seeing the enormous amount of food placed on the table.

This is a pecularity of the Chinese. I came from a poor family and despite that, there was always a great quantity of food; fish, chicken, duck, pork, salad leaves, salted vegetable soup with meat in it and the thousand-year fermented duck's eggs; on the table on new year's eve. The amount of food was always obviously too much to feast on and the sight of it was usually enough to chase away my appetite.

The only beautiful things about the new year then were the number of red packets I could manage to collect during those younger days and the bottles of cold aerated water I was allowed to drink. During those days, the financial situation of the family allowed me such luxuries rarely.

After the new year's eve dinner, the torture began. Day after day, for the next few days at least, it was left-over food, cooked and recooked, recycled with a little bit of meat or other vegetables added. How healthy that food was I would never know. Of course, we know that each time we subject food to more heat, more nutrients are lost. Fortunately, I had never experienced any food poisoning, malnutrition maybe.

Today, with myself having a say in my food, my family as well as my brother's family do not practise that any more. Funny, is it not, that we do not do that when we have a refrigerator to store all that food whereas there was no refrigerator for such a purpose when my parents were doing that, using the heat from the stove to recook the food after each meal.

And in my curiosity as to why some families still do that, I discover that they have the belief that the kitchen god would come for a visit and so as to ensure that he could put in a good report on the family, the family has to somehow fill the rice-containers to the brim and have lots of food in the food-cupboard.

For me, that sounded like a commercial reason. Business people, in order to have good business, must have put such ideas into the minds of the simple folks to encourage them to spend on more than was needed.

Or was that an excuse to assuage one's ego when it comes to the poor or to show off the capability of the family when it comes to the well-to-do.

Whatever it may be, it is also an opportunity to splurge a bit on some expensive items such as more attractive new clothes and the more exotic delicacies that are usually available at this time of the year. This is one of the reasons, people are most happy and appreciative in welcoming a new year.

What's love got to do with it?

This writer has gone quite often into the importance of love among two persons who will inevitably become the parents of a child. The reason I do so is that love between the parents is just as important to the healthy and happy growth and development of children. Parents secure in the love of each other perform better than those in loveless stormy shelters.

As a disciplinarian in a school, I have often had to visit and see the homes of children who rebel against teachers and the school system.

There was this boy who would fight with other children at the drop of a hat. He was constantly on the lookout for an opportunity to quarrel and fight. One day, his problems led him to my desk. I told him he must be a good fighter to want to show off his ability every day. He told me there were times he lost but he stressed that before he did he would try to do as much damage as he could. I asked him if he realised that he would be losing a lot of friends through this behaviour of his. He was silent. I told him the importance of having friends; that even teachers are worried that he had become so anti-social. To this, he replied, “Who cares? Even my parents do not bother.”

I was surprised at the answer and decided to pay his parents a visit. That afternoon, I took the boy home so that I could meet the parents.

When I reached his home, the boy ran into the house. I followed and called out to the occupants of the house. One woman came out and asked what I wanted. When I told her my intention for being there, she shouted to someone inside the house, informing the person that a teacher wanted to meet the father. The father loudly told her to manage the matter herself, declaring that he was too tired to appear. He could not be bothered to come out despite being told that his son’s teacher wanted to see him. There was a lot of vulgar language used in the conversation between them. They do not sound very friendly, forget being loving, towards each other.

The woman then asked me the purpose of seeing the parents. I told her about her son’s problem in school. I told her she and her husband had to help the school look into the matter to assist his child to change his ways.

Then, she said that there was nothing much she could do as her son would not listen to her. They did not communicate; I was given the impression. As for her husband, he was seldom at home. And when he did turn up, it was to rest and complain. There was no way she could discuss the matter with him as his temper would flare whenever problems crop up or are brought up.

The child had been brought up in a home which knew not love. It was a volcano just waiting to erupt. There was always this uneasiness in the lull before another storm. The occupants would be ever ready to defend themselves, to hit back, to fight and survive the next catastrophe which is bound to happen, sooner or later. Apparently, the child had learnt much of this hostility from the parents.

Under such circumstances, how is this child ever to learn and understand love for himself and his fellow students? How is he to understand that there can be love among his fellow humans?

Dangers in the kitchen!

There are many dangers in our environment. In the home, there is always the danger of fire, water, furniture and decorations. Outside the home, there are vehicles and other things children play with from time to time, even during festive periods.

Very young children have to be constantly watched. Certainly, they are active, playful and curious. The only time they are not, is when they are sick.

Knowing this, an alert, responsible adult must be around them to ensure their fast actions, playfulness and curiosity do not land them in trouble.

Stoves and fires must be out of their reach. Having no proper knowledge of the stove, fire and boiling water in a kettle, they have no fear of such things.

Curiosity leads them to reach out to feel things in their surroundings. Pulling a kettle of hot boiling water can cause pain, burn and possibly a number of other injuries. Well, hot water onto the eyes can mean blindness.

Frying pans are just as dangerous. They are hot and, usually, so are their contents. A frying pan flipping through the air bringing along its fried food onto a little one’s head could leave behind more than just a trauma!

Children should not be allowed to touch food with lots of spices. If chilies, a very hot, spicy vegetable, were to get onto the hands and then those hands rub the eyes or finger the nose, there would be a most unpleasant two hours minimum suffering for the poor child.

Tell the children what can possibly happen when certain things in the kitchen are touched. Let them know as the things avail themselves at the kitchen. Knowledge is usually useful and prevention is always better than cure.

If certain experiences in the kitchen have not been written, please add them to the comment section.