Never be too strict in parenting.

Today, in one of the letters in StarOnline, a ‘SAD MUM’ wrote about her children turning out not the way she wanted them to.

She wrote: “I was quite strict with my kids as they were growing up. I resigned my well-paying job to be a full-time homemaker to provide the best “nourishment” to my kids in terms of food, love and guidance, and for that I was rewarded with the absence of tantrums as well as cravings for sweet things.

My problems started when my eldest son entered Form 4, when truancy became an issue. I used to leave him in front of the school gate complete with uniform and books at 7am, and by 10am I would get a call from the teacher asking where he was.

As I only provided mobile phones after the SPM, I had to call his friend asking my son to call me back, which he did and I asked him to come home (he had been at the cyber cafe).

The moment he reached home I took him to school to apologise for missing school. He was lucky that he managed to get 2As and credits for the rest in the SPM.” (To read the rest of the letter, please go to the opinions page of StarOnline, Malaysia.)
She seems to be having problems with all her children. Her disappointment was obvious.

I feel sad for her too as she had sacrificed a well-paid job to give herself full-time to her children. From her letter we know she did a number of things right as her children do not throw tantrums or crave for sweet things.

From such a short letter, we can only guess that there is the possibility that she had been too strict with them. Her intentions were good but being too strict can be counter effective in nurturing our children.

Children need lots of love and patient teaching, with sufficient explanation for them to understand the actions of parents. That requires lots of talking to our children, not reprimands or scolding.

Yes, parents must talk more with their children. Share their joys and happiness. Talk about things they like rather than what we like. Make life an adventure in learning and understanding. This can be done through the world around them. (Please go to some earlier postings where I elaborate on how the world around us becomes interesting audio visual aids to be used as and when incidents or things appear to help our children understand the world around us.)

If we share our thoughts and listen to childrens views of the things in the environment constantly, our children will grow up to talk and exchange ideas with us. They may even come to teach us some things and correct our faults as they have the confidence of sharing without the worry that they might not be allowed to express their genuine thoughts.

Anyway, my sons can talk very freely with me, sometimes even criticising me for some of my faults. I accept the criticism as I believe I am just human and no matter how much I improve, there is always a little room for improvement. Sometimes I merely take note of the fault with a smile for my children while there are times I would discuss the problem with them.

With such an interchange of ideas and opinions, we have gradually evolved into some kind of friendship although still holding on to our roles of parent and children. Everyone of us becomes so much more approachable when this kind of relationship is established.

For ‘SAD MUM’, it is still not too late to change. First, we have to recognise the fact that our children have grown up. We should not tell him/her ‘You must do this.’ Or ‘You must do that.’ He/She will only drift further as rebellion sets in. Instead, just enquire as to their welfare, how they are doing and instead of telling them to return early, ask them whether they wish to have supper that night and perhap, buy something for them to drink or eat and inform them about it. In doing so, a parent is indirectly (It has to be indirectly when a child has already shown signs of rebellion.) telling his/her child that he/she cares. Do this caring consistwently, putting away forever the nagging and scolding or directing which would send the children further away from us. The results may take a long time coming as the problem has developed after so many years of too much strictness. Because we love our children, it is worth it even if they were to improve only after we have departed from this world.