Nagging is not parenting.

I remember a time one father came to see me about his daughter who was in my form four class. He complained that his daughter would not want to return home but stayed with her mother’s sister, the aunt.

I asked him what was the reason for his daughter not wanting to stay with him. He claimed he did not know the reason. He wanted me to talk to his daughter and persuade her to go back to his home.

Since I felt that it was good for the child to be back with her parents again, I told the parent I will see what can be done. So, I sent the parent home and at an appropriate time I approached the student to talk to her. I told her that I knew she was not staying with her parents and wish to know what had transpired to cause such a separation between them.

At first, she was quite reluctant to tell me her problem. I told her that she need not tell me anything, but since her father had approached me, I just hoped that I could be some help in solving the problem. I told her that I have children too, that misunderstanding between a father and his child is very common. It can happen to just anybody. And such matters sometimes need a third party to pave the way back to a better understanding. So, if I could help, I told her, I would do so confidentially.

Then, she told me that her father had been nagging her since he saw her boyfriend visit her. I asked her about the boy and was told that it was an ordinary friend; nothing special yet. I then explained to her that parents are usually very worried about their daughter’s safety; that this is a normal reaction for a parent and she herself would be just as worried when she becomes a parent one day. She seemed understanding enough but what aroused her ire was her father’s nagging. He not only raised the present issue but went into various other past issues. She told me how could she be expected to continue facing all the previous mistakes, some of which were not her fault at all, each time her father meets her.

I sympathized with her and I myself do not approve of nagging or the constant bringing up of old issues to hammer a defenseless person. I say defenceless because the poor child is never allowed to defend herself. Any defence put up by the child can and will be considered as rebelling against the parents’ words. This, I feel is not fair to the child.

So, I promised the student that I would speak to the father about his nagging. At the same time, I expected her to behave herself correctly for I am indirectly responsible for the parent’s trust that the action would achieve the right results.
The next time I met the parent, which was a few days later, I told him exactly what their problem was; nagging. Initially, he refused to admit that he nagged too much and to support his nagging, he brought up all the previous problems. I was patient and listened to all he had to say. My patience and attentiveness, however, encouraged him to repeat again and again the things he had said. It went on like a record (Discs do not have such problems, I presume.) that always jumped back into the same tracks. It got really boring and annoying. I told him the problem, that he was repeating everything so many times that I could understand how fed-up his daughter must have been to face the same old music again and again. No wonder she ran away to stay with that relative of hers. I told him I would the same if I had a father who complained like he did.

Next, I told him that that was no way to teach a child. Yes, it could be true that she was wrong to bring back a boy at her age. However, we must teach or explain to her what could possibly be the danger of her move. In doing so, we must make it clear our concern for her.

Thankfully, everything came out right. The parent stopped his nagging and the girl returned to her family. Maybe it was to prove me right; she was an exemplary student in my class.

When we merely complain about her, what would anyone expect but that she would throw up some kind of defence and her defence could be acceptable. After all, nowadays, young girls get to have boyfriends early and she cannot be expected to be any different from her peers.

So, what is our aim, as a parent? It is to show our concern and love for her, to have her see that she understands what could possibly happen and the possible dangers that parents speculate on. That is all. We bring it up because of our love for her.

However, if we nag and nag, we fail to achieve our aim of expressing our love and care for her. When we nag, especially when we bring up old problems, we are only telling the child she is bad, stupid and needs constant surveillance; she cannot be trusted.

Do we want our child to think that? Do we want her to lose her self-esteem? Do we want her to believe we have a bad impression of her?

Do we know that a child may just rebel by proving us right? What would happen to our poor child and our family then?

So, if we are in the habit of nagging, we ought to think of it. Think of the consequences. Think of how we show approach the problem.

Nagging can happen because of our worry for the ones we love but naggers destroy the very love that started them nagging.

We can stop nagging and start parenting to achieve the best results. We must get our children to work with us for better future, not have them rebel against us in destructive ways. It can be done. The secret lies in knowledge, admitting our own mistakes and having the courage to change. All these are worth it as the benefits are indeed numerous.